I need to vent/rant/express etc etc. Writing is my escape… I could just write in a word document and delete it, but I don’t know something about making things public makes it more real and makes me feel like I actually got something out. Well anyways, I am pretty stressed out, miserable, sad, depressed, you know. I have good days and bad days like the rest of us. But sometimes I take a moment to sit and think, and it gets to me.. Bad. I shouldn’t do this to myself but sometimes it’s just unavoidable. Sometimes, I literally begin to hate myself. I think, why did I make the choices I’ve made… I think, why am I holding myself back so much? I always just think, why? I just feel so trapped, but I am only a 19 (almost 20) year old… Yet I feel trapped?! I live in a town where there isn’t much. There isn’t much room for success or happiness, maybe for some but not for me. I feel so, not myself here.. Yet this is where I’ve lived my whole life. I am young, I have the opportunities to venture off and explore, though I stay here. I went off to college for a semester, not very far or anywhere that much nicer than home, but it was new, different, a change.. Yet, I ran. I felt scared, I didn’t like the change so I packed up and came home the next semester. Still, I beat myself up for it, but I try to accept my choices because there is a reason for everything. I had the option again, to venture off, go to a university… Get change, all that jazz. I had the option to take that experience next semester after graduating from community college and what did I choice? I choose to stay home and commute to a local college. I never knew if that was what I truly wanted, or if my mom convinced me… Ugh. I admit, these decisions are much more difficult because I have a long-term relationship, over 3 years.. and he impacts all of my decisions. He is my life, so I base decisions of him. He doesn’t tell what to do or what not to do, but I base everything off him. I know I would have considered going away to school, far away, if I weren’t dating anyone but I am so here I am. I say considered going away because I can’t say I would have followed through with it.. Which is why I am terribly confusing, let alone to myself, I can’t imagine what others think of me. I just feel as if I am holding myself back from opportunity, from change, from true happiness. I truly can say, I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve felt sincerely happy.. just pure happiness. I don’t want anyone blaming themselves for my lack of happiness, especially not my boyfriend because he does make me happy and I love him to death.. But it is within myself, I am not happy with myself. I am not happy with where I’m heading, which is I honestly have no idea where. I am not happy with where I am. I am not happy with who I am. It’s hard, because I envision a life for myself… But that vision seems so far out of reach.
I think the weirdest feeling is knowing who you really should be or at least how you want to be, but you aren’t that person… And the only thing holding yourself back is yourself.
African Safari Bedroom